How To Get the Best Christmas Tree

Christmas tree shopping is a sport - you're in it to win it and you want off that lot with the motherload.  Everyone there is in a tete-a-tete for the best tree, and if you think otherwise you're a party of one (and a very nice person so no worries there).  Now of course, due to size of tree, there will be multiple games occurring simultaneously:  small, medium, large, flocked vs. unflocked - but we're all there for one thing...to make our Christmas wishes come true.  Starting with the primo tree that no one else was able to snag before you did.

While searching for my Christmas tree this weekend I took copious mental notes of the play-by-play so as to prepare anyone out there who may still be waiting to embark on this year's tree journey.  Read and enjoy...and may you score your tree come true.

Step 1:  If shopping for a real tree, pick a lot with many tree choices.  This involves eyeballing a few lots prior to the "big day".  A good tree lot is a jewel in your Christmas crown.

Exhibit A

Step 2:  Immediately lose your marbles in Christmas dream delight and head to trees that could
no way in hell fit in your home.

Step 3:  Given just a few moments (or a half an hour to an hour) you eventually 

snap out of it when others begin to storm the lot.  

Panic sets in and you get into a row where there are several possibilities.  

Like sheep, they all follow you. 

Step 4:  Begin saying things like, 

"These trees suck.  I think they're DEAD...needles are everywhere.  

The guy down the street had suuuuuch good ones.  Let's go there." 

Watch them all scurry to their cars leaving you to make a selection.

The guy down the street has zipola for trees.  

You've already been there 3x this week.

 Step 5:  To avoid making a rash decision, and to head off the few remaining stragglers, 

you go to the far opposite corner of the lot and feign interest.  

Really what's happening here is I ended up wanting 2 trees, but that's 

a different story for a different time.

 Suddenly you overhear one of "the others" making comments about a tree in the

section you just came from.  What was that?!

They think they're going to head back and get the very tree  

(of the 7 that were your possibilities) that you wanted!

Oh hell no they aren't!!

Step 6:  Now prepared for Christmas Tree Battle Royale 2010 you make a 

mad dash back to the section, ignoring aisle markers and 

bobbing and weaving between trees.

Step 7:  Victory is mine!!  I've had Richard the tree guy in my back pocket since

we tipped him the night before for Operation:  Tree Stakeout.

Bonus tips:  While your partner stands guard and never takes his eye off the tree
so none of the bitter Betty's (and Fred's) can shank it out from under you...

(tree lot people work for the highest bidder if you didn't know...except you Richard)

You shamelessly stalk this woman so you can ask where she

got those deep purple knee-high suede boots.

Marshalls!  

You race over there with the tree tied to the top of the car (a la Chevy Chase and fam with the their dead granny strapped to the roof of the station wagon) only to discover the boots are sold out in your size and the world's biggest Christmas parade has kicked off in your neighborhood so you have to take approximately 75 different back routes in order to get back home.  Upon arriving you discover everyone and their mother has descended, parking illegally and blocking up alleys for hours so, in the spirit of the season, (and this one) you call the tow trucks and unload the tree discovering it might be a bit too big to fit in the house.

Happy Monday!!

Outfit details:  Elizabeth and James-Poncho, Martin+Osa (RIP)-Skinny Denim, Ash-Boots, Foley+Corinna- Mid-City Tote, Melinda Maria-Necklace